Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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