The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
