I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
