I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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