Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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