If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
