Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
