I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
