if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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