i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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