so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
