I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
