It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
