...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
