wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
