if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
