You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
