hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
