The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
