So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
