Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
