Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
