3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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