I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This house was built for laser tag.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
