You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
