Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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