I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I understand Curling. That high.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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