im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize