i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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