i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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