Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
