so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
