I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
