I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
