Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have fence marks all over my body
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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