He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
