There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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