Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i think i have two assholes
there was a trapeze. enough said
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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