3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
