I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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