Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You can't special order awesome
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
