Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
