i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize