I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
