last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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