Got a toothbrush?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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