Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So many bounce houses so little time
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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