i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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