I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
