he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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