Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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