Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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