seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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