The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
