I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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