we're chasing vodka with high fives
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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