Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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