you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
