the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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