Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
